I am what I am
by Seraphobia
Summary: Finding there was too much left unsaid, Lucy realizes she is not ready to give up her life, or her love, and struggles to find out who and what she really is. Set in the anime version shortly after Lucy departs Kouta in the last episode.
1. Fighting fate

Author's Note: I do not own Elfen Lied, that honor goes to Lynn Okamoto. I am not, nor do I plan on receiving any sort of monetary compensation for this, it is purely done for fun and because I love the anime/manga. This story is based on the anime version of Elfen Lied, although I had added some elements from the manga. Mostly minor things such as dialogue I felt went better in the manga, and some other minor additions. Those familiar with both versions probably won't notice those changes. I hope you enjoy this as I did writing it.

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><p><em>I am what I am<em>

It was the only thing she could say to explain the horrible things she had done in her life. The hundreds of people she'd murdered as a child, among their numbers being Kouta's father and sister, the trail of carnage she'd left in her wake as she escaped the facility, her mutilation of Nana, her torture of Bando, and the massacre she perpetuated tonight. The last guns had finally fallen silent, the final strike force having failed to bring her down. She could have escaped them easily, or simply not gone to them. But she had been on a death march after her last moments with Kouta. Kissing him had been sweet agony; she had wanted to do it for hours. As she marched to her doom, she remembered every small detail. She remembered the knife sharp stab of hope and disbelief in her heart as she felt Kouta grab onto her, dulling her senses and making her stupidly argue against what he was doing,

"But Kouta, I killed your family!"

She'd wanted to take back those words the moment she said them, and felt a rush of fear that they would cause him to come to his senses and release her. She didn't want him to let her go. She didn't deserve it, she knew, but she shook with hope and fear, needing him to hold on.

"I can't explain it," he'd replied with tears in his voice. As he spoke, she'd held her breath, not wanting to miss a single syllable or soft whispering sound of exhaling breath in between the pauses in his speech. She was a killer, and she had destroyed Kouta's life. He had every reason to want her dead,

"I love that lonely little girl I met so long ago,"

_I love you too Kouta. Oh god I love you, how can you love me? _

She'd turned, and looked into his eyes, her pulse out of control, her breathing hitched, her body shaking. Then she kissed him, and the moment she felt the pressure on her lips from him kissing back, her knees started to buckle, and he had to hold onto her tighter. She had loved that, and clutched him as though her life depended on it. As she walked, she hugged her arms around herself, tears silently falling from her face as she imagined they were his arms. It reminded her why she had to leave. Kouta wanted the bloodshed to stop, but he thought keeping her with him would do that.

_I am what I am._

He could never stop her. She would kill again and again. She would destroy those closest to him, as she had done before. She had never known pain as cruelly awful as the moment when, all those years ago, a nine year old Kouta had begged her to stop killing. It had shocked her out of her homicidal rage and all she had felt then was horrible guilt that gripped her throat like a hand rendering her speechless, or was it herself? Trying to kill herself with her own vectors? She had only stopped because it suddenly occurred to her that killing herself in front of him would just hurt him even more. So she ran. She could not bear that pain again. She could not risk undoing Kouta's life again. So this time she would do what she should have done that night after she left Kouta on the train. She was going to die. As she walked, she replayed every moment of their kiss, and embrace. One last sweet memory to hold onto before she left this world forever. Lights up ahead, there they were. It was their staging area. If it didn't end here, they would sweep through the town. People could get hurt, or even killed. She didn't want that, Kouta would be upset. He could even be one of those killed. So taking a breath to steady herself, she let her face settle into her cold mask, and wiped the last of her tears away. She would show them the monster in her gaze and let her cold stare grip her executioners with fear and anger . It would help them pull the trigger, it would make them kill her without hesitation. She stepped into the light and onto the street. Almost immediately she heard urgent shouts and the telltale chorus of rounds being chambered in a symphony of guns. Soon they would play the music of her death. She began to hum Lilium, a beautiful song that Kouta had let her listen to in a small music box. A gift to her, like his gift of friendship. Given to a lonely girl….

"_I love that lonely little girl I met so long ago_"

Wait…

"Sight your targets men!" More rounds chambering, distracting her. Something not right about those words…

"_I love that lonely little girl_"

_But what about me? I'm not her anymore. I'm Lucy…or am I Nyuu? Who do you love? For whom were those words spoken Kouta? _

"She can't deflect them all, sharpshooters, cover her escape!"

"_And I love Nyuu_"

_Is this how you can love me without forgiving me? Is it even me you love? _

A stray bullet, someone jumping the gun, fired early. Easily deflected, have to think.

_You looked in my eyes when you kissed me, and you know it was not that little girl and it was not Nyuu. You kissed _me_. You held me until my tears stopped, you comforted your family's murderer, knowing who it was. Or do you truly understand what I am? You know that I kill, and that murder is written in my genes. But do you see ME when you look into my eyes? _

Machine gun fire now, a few more that fired before the order, but that order is coming. Lucy stared into the eyes of the commander as the muscles in his body tightened and prepared to fling his arm forward, to point the finger to damn her. To order her death.

_I'm not a memory, and I'm not an innocent. I am what I am. I can't let it end this way. I can't let you go on without facing the truth of that. I have to give you the chance to make a real choice and not make it for you. The least I owed you was the chance to set things right and if you'd told me to go away tonight, I would have rested easy, the decision made, and I would have carried out your vengeance upon myself_.

"FIRE!"

_No_

A hurricane of bullets roared towards Lucy and with a strength she had not known she possessed, she began to fight back.

_Not like this_

A sniper's .50 caliber bullet got through her defenses and she had time to deflect it just enough to shoot off her other horn. Blood gushed down her face and there had been a desperate moment when she felt her control over her vectors slip and weaken, but she could not feel the pain. Rage and anguish beginning to course through her. The intensity of her emotion and desperation doing what should have been impossible; her vectors remained.

_I have to know that you see me for what I am. And I need to make things right to you. "I'm sorry" isn't enough. I have to put my life in your hands. You have told me you love pieces of me that are not completely me. You have to know the violence is not just something I leave behind; it's in my heart. You have to know that Nyuu cannot atone for our past; she's not me. You have to know that you can't love something that just makes it easier to forget. But most of all Kouta…_

…_I have to tell you that I love you._

_Then I can die. Whenever you want me to. _

_But these pigs._

Her vectors lashed out in a momentary reloading pause, three men exploded in a haze of blood.

_WILL NOT STOP ME FROM SEEING YOU AGAIN! _

The ground exploded around her as she slammed her vectors down on the ground with impossible force, tearing out large chunks of road debris. These she gathered up and flung with terrifying speed towards her attackers. Sporadic gunfire rang out as the debris crashed around them, killing soldiers and smashing apart vehicles, but they were too disoriented now to get clear shots. Bullets whistled close by her ear and she remembered that the snipers were not on the ground and the only reason they had missed was because of the dust cloud surrounding her from the road's destruction. Turning her gaze skyward she saw the muzzle flash of another sniper's gun. This bullet would have been dead on the mark if her full attention had not been on the sniper. She used her vectors to propel her onto a rooftop, gunfire tearing the walls behind her apart as she'd made her ascent, hurling more chunks of asphalt onto the snipers' position, a rooftop of a large building. One rock hit its mark and she saw blood splatter across the roof as she propelled herself onto their position. Moments were all it took to finish off the snipers. Hearing a thump, and a whistle, she knew they were firing RPGs at her so she redirected them towards a circling helicopter as she used the remaining vectors to grab, unpin, and throw the grenades that were part of the snipers' standard equipment, into the crowd of soldiers below. Explosions rocked the air around her as the helicopter went down in an inferno of flames and the military team down below was scattered from the grenade bombardment. As they died around her, she could hear the voice inside her laughing. Approving, urging her on.

"_Keep going, they all deserve to die"._

She gasped and froze, looking around her, taking stock of the destruction she had wrought, and for once in her life, the horror of it came crashing in on her.

_I…_

"_We are what we are."_

_No, you are what you are. I am what you've made me._

"_I am only a voice. You're the one who decided to listen, and you're the one who's hands are stained with blood." _

Gunfire began to ring about again, but the music was pallid, not enough musicians to keep the song going with its former intensity. Lucy stepped back from the edge of the roof.

_Violence will always be in my blood. I can't escape my fate. But cruelty isn't. Whatever you are, you're not me. _

"_Kouta saw the real you all those years ago in that train car. When he looked into your eyes, he saw us as one mind and one purpose. Don't pretend you didn't feel satisfaction when Kouta screamed."_

Tears formed in Lucy's eyes, a horrified stricken look upon her face. Her eyes drifted down her body and she saw blood from the men she had killed on the rooftop splashed upon her.

_That's not true…_

"_You want him to see the real you? Do you even know yourself?" _

The tears spilled over, she could still feel the memory of Kouta's lips on her own, and could still hear the echoes of his anguished screams. Her breath caught as a furtive sound caught her attention. She whirled around to face the source of the noise and noticed one of the soldiers, badly wounded from the careless yet ferocious sweep of her vectors, propped up in a sitting position against a pile of equipment bags. She had slashed her vectors through the air like a blade; this man had survived. He was clutching something in his hand, not a weapon.

"_Finish him. You know you want to." _

She ignored the voice and began to walk towards him slowly, the terror in his eyes mocking her futile denials of cruelty within her. She could see his lips moving quickly and urgently; a prayer.

"_It's in your blood."_

His eyes darted from her face, to the object in his hand. When she finally reached him, she knelt down to his eyelevel.

"Please…" She looked down at his hands. He was clutching a picture, stained with his blood. A woman, with a child. They were outside somewhere on a bench, smiling and waving. It had been taken in a public place. Lucy could see a giraffe in the background.

"Zoo," Lucy whispered absently.

"What?" the solider managed to choke out in between labored gasps. Lucy reached out and grabbed the man's hand to hold it still and she felt his muscles tighten to a unyielding rigidness out of fear. There were children in the background of the picture, and it made Lucy remember. She remembered who she was when she was with Kouta. The voice almost never came to her then. Only when she had to face losing him did it return. Those children, they could have been people like her and Kouta. Another tear spilled down her face at the memory before she could stop it. She then remembered the soldier, and looked up at him. He appeared to be a mix of shocked and afraid.

"_KILL HIM!"_

"I don't want to die," he said.

"Neither do I," Lucy replied, and realized she meant it.

"Just….orders…said you killed so many."

"And I have," came the cold reply, the sadness in her eyes betraying her feelings.

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to die." Silence, but for the night air rustling through distant trees. Faintly, she heard a door being kicked in somewhere on the street level. They were coming. "My…wife. Daughter," the soldier choked out, the words ripped out of him, pain distorting the sound of his voice. She had been staring at the picture again. Kouta did not have a picture of her. She hoped she could have one taken to give to him, to remember her when she was gone. The soldier clutched the picture for dear life.

"_You're a fool."_

_You're right…I am a fool._

"_So then kill him!"_

_I've been a fool for not fighting you. For letting you tell me what I am and who I am and what I should do. I've been so lonely and angry and I listened to you because I wanted to lash out and hurt people who hurt me. _

"_You're a killer. It's in your blood."_

_Then tell me how much I have to bleed to BE RID OF YOU FOREVER! _

"I won't," she whispered. She stood up and walked away, calling her vectors to vault her away from this place. She had to see Kouta, this battle was over.

"Now! Finish her now!" She had taken too long, the remainder of the strike force had made their way upstairs. They had entered silently while she had been distracted and flanked her. With a cold realization, she knew they were going to not only gun her down, but the wounded soldier who happened to be unlucky enough to be in their firing line. They would not waste this chance.

"_You need me"_

_Fuck you. I'm through with you. _

Lucy readied her vectors for the final battle. These men would not kill her, they would not sweep through the town. They would not kill the wounded soldier simply because he was in their way.

_Everyone has a choice._

The bullets began to scream and Lucy fought with all her heart, defending herself and the wounded man.

_But when the only choice is to fight. If the only way is to kill. _

Man after man fell to Lucy's vectors, the screams of the dying matching the roar of the gunfire.

_You can choose what you fight for, what you would kill for._

Lucy yanked two machine guns towards her and used vectors to steady them, unleashing a hail of gunfire.

"KOUTAAAA!"

_What you would die for…_

Only a handful left now, she allowed them to reload. Let them take stock of their losses, give them the choice to retreat.

_And if the answer is "nothing"…_

Hatred burned in the eyes of her last opponents. Mission forgotten, only vengeance in their hearts. A hole in the spirit that can never be filled. A void Lucy knew too well.

_Then you have no reason to live._

The men lay dead around her, static voices of a command post demanding status reports hissing through numerous radios, the fading echo of gunfire vanishing within the sound of the evening breeze. Almost absentmindedly, she dropped the guns she was holding, their ammo spent, their purpose served.

_So I don't need you anymore. You're a virus that made me sick._

"_We'll destroy the world, whether you want to or not. We are what we are: a virus"_

_We'll change the world. Choice is what saves or destroys us. _

"_Unless Kouta wants us to die"_

…

"_What then?"_

_Then we die._

Silence after that. At long last, it was as though a switch flipped inside of her and she was suddenly whole, and felt that she always had been. The furtive noises once again drew her attention and she noticed the soldier, the only survivor of the strike force, staring at her, relief in his eyes. "Do you know why I killed so many just now?" Silence, he seemed to know she intended on answering her own question, "because we didn't want to die."

He did not reply, but simply nodded his head. Lucy turned to leave when she heard the soldier's radio come to life, the cold digitally filtered voice barking on the other end, "status report! Someone answer me goddamnit!" He raised the radio to his lips, never taking his eyes off Lucy, "control, this is Yamaoka. T reporting in, over."

"Solider, what the fuck is going on down there? I got lights out on all GPS vehicle tracking and more S.A.T flatlines than stars in the sky, over." The soldier took a breath to steady himself, his eyes locked on Lucy's, "all K.I.A sir, strike team was wiped out. I'm all that's left, over."

"What about the target? Is the target still active! Over." He hesitated as he watched Lucy. "Goddamn it report solider! Is Lucy still alive! Over." Lucy nodded her head, then turned away from him. She would not punish him for speaking the truth. She was not that person anymore. She had a choice.

"Sir…" he took another breath, "target has been eliminated. I repeat, the Diclonius Lucy has been eliminated. Her body was destroyed in a helicopter crash, over."

"Good work soldier, hang in there, we're sending a medic with your evac squad, we'll get you home, over." Lucy stared in disbelief. "Get out of here…Lucy." Without a word, Lucy turned and disappeared into the night. She would not waste this chance. Somehow, she would find the courage to face Kouta again.


	2. Wanderer

One month later

She had been afraid.

As resolute as she had been by the end of that night, she could not bring herself to knock upon Kouta's door. She reasoned to herself that it was because Nana could likely still sense her and always would. Nyuu was gone, but she still lived day to day frightened that she would return because she knew what she would do if Nyuu came back. She would run straight back to Kouta like nothing had happened, and she couldn't come back that way, which was the other reason she had stayed away for so long. She didn't quite know what triggered Nyuu and didn't want to find out that it had something to do with the inn, or Kouta. So she walked the streets of Kamakura, bow in her hair to hide the horns that had grown back over the month, and was careful to avoid places that she would be recognized by Kouta, Nana, Yuka, Or Mayu. Though occasionally, when she could bear it no longer, she would hide in shadows, or on rooftops and wait to see Kouta. He still went to school, at least the days when he could be roused from sleep enough to go, but she would only be able to see him from a distance as he walked up to the front doors and disappeared inside. She would wait the entire day until school had let out, just for the chance to see him. At one point she had even come into possession of some school clothes and had resolved to meet him after school to truly and finally say what she couldn't on those stone steps. But fear gripped her heart when she got near him, and she turned to lose herself in the crowd of departing students. She thought she heard someone calling "wait!", the faraway voice sounding like that of desperation; of recognition. She pretended not to hear, and walked faster until she was back in the shadows again. She'd cried angry tears, whispering his name over and over to herself while recalling the memory of his kiss, his embrace. Her body and her heart ached for him, but she was afraid. Afraid of his final judgment, and afraid to know if he had taken Yuka for himself. She fought down the dark pit of jealousy, she had no right to be jealous. If Kouta had not stopped her all those years ago, she would have killed Yuka. And unlike herself, Yuka had always been honest with Kouta. Yuka deserved him, but Lucy was just a monstrous killer.

_That's not me anymore. _

But she could not be sure of that. She lived her life for so long being told that killing was in her nature. She resisted the call of the voice by not killing the soldier. And since then in the days following, she learned to stop using her vectors to kill.

"_I want to put a stop to the bloodshed!"_

"I'm doing this for you Kouta," she would say to herself when she'd hold back as she defended herself from the occasional attacks on the street from petty thieves or would be rapists. Though the latter often ended up with shattered bones in his legs and arms. Wandering the city streets, she was that little girl again; lonely and heartsick. She slept in a thicket of trees near the graveyard where she had fought Nana for the first time. And every night before she fell asleep, she would replay that last night with Kouta over and over in her mind. Remembering the sound of his voice, and how it hummed in her chest as he held her close. The feel of his lips pressing against hers, wanting her. She wanted to take his acceptance then at face value, and living destitute was the price she was paying to believe what she knew in her heart was a lie: that he loved and accepted her, and not just a memory of her or a figment of her imagination. But she knew she could not go on this way. She was becoming more reckless in her wanderings, sometimes deliberately passing by the places she knew that she would run into them all, or creating a public scene, making a show of arguing with vendors over the price of snacks. She wanted to be found, and sure enough she was, though it was not who she would have expected to run into.

She had been wandering aimlessly, enjoying the breeze coming off the ocean. It was one of the few instances that she slipped into a reverie, and simply enjoyed normal life. She had visited a bath house earlier in the day and was largely using the walk by the water as a means of drying her hair. Dimly, she remembered feeling periods of well being like this. They came when she was Nyuu, and everything was so blissfully simple. It was difficult to remember things she had done when she was Nyuu but she remembered more when she was with Kouta. He had found her exuberance cute, as in childishly cute. She didn't want him thinking of her as a child, but as a woman. Those desires were strong enough to cause Nyuu to act out sexually towards Kouta. Unfortunately, Nyuu had remembered those instincts and would act out upon others as well. She was embarrassed that she had acted that way as her simple alter ego, but it was the best she could do as a dormant personality. It was when he'd touch her that her mind would start to clear, and for brief periods, she could allow herself to slip into a fantasy where they belonged to each other. That he knew her as Lucy, and was in love with her. If only it just kept going, and he didn't stop…she never wanted him to stop. Always, just at the moment when enough of her had risen to the surface to take control of her body, they would be interrupted, and she'd go plummeting back into the darkness of her mind. And she'd agonize because always, there would be a look in his eyes just before the interruptions; like he knew her…like he…

"Lucy?"

Panic rushed through her, she had been lost in her daydream and not seen where she was going. She had walked back to the scene of her last battle with S.A.T. The road was littered with caution signs where roadwork was being done to repair the damage she had done to the street and sidewalk. Scaffoldings on the nearby buildings to repair the damage they sustained from gunfire. It was mid afternoon and she noticed a handful of people in hardhats meandering about the site, preparing for the evening roadwork.

"It's you isn't it?"

Stupid, stupid. Why didn't she turn around the first time? She smoothed her new dark dress, which looked more like a long coat, and turned around. Standing before her was a group of three, a woman, a child, and…

"You," Lucy whispered in disbelief.

Standing before her was the soldier who's life she had spared, then saved, a month ago. Lucy recognized the people next to him as the people in the bloodstained photograph. There was a surprised, yet friendly smile of greeting upon his face.

"This a friend of yours Takashi?" the woman asked. Lucy noticed the woman quickly sizing her up and almost giggled. Someone jealous of her? Unthinkable. "Well she's not an enemy," he said with a laugh that was supposed to mean he was joking, while effectively evading the question. His eyes flicked pointedly towards her, Lucy smiled, "so this is your family…Takashi?" Lucy asked, not knowing exactly what else to say. "Yes. This is my wife Ayame and my daughter Minako," he turned to them and motioned towards Lucy, "this is Lucy, the girl I told you about." Lucy kept silent, hoping for some cue as to what she should say. Ayame's face brightened immediately and she rushed forward to take Lucy's hand in both of hers. "You. You were the one who saved my husband's life, who stayed with him and called for help?"

"I…," Lucy cleared her throat, "I did."

"My husband was in the military, a special forces branch but I guess you knew that. I was so afraid for him when he was called to respond to the terrorist attacks a month ago. They had detonated some kind of weapon, right here at this place. Takashi was the only one who survived, but even he would be gone right now if it weren't for you."

Takashi stepped forward, gently placing a hand on his wife's shoulder, "we thought all the civilians had been evacuated. But apparently we missed one. I was so banged up after the explosion that all I could do was hold onto this picture." He removed the photo and held it up. Lucy wondered if Ayame could see the delicate hint of red where blood had once stained it. Blood Lucy had shed herself. "Lucy happened by and helped keep me alive. She talked to me, and I told her about you and Minako. She helped clear my mind to make my report," he paused for a moment, "it's frightening when you see what people are capable of when they're so full of anger and hate," he continued, his eyes locked onto Lucy's. She wasn't seeing him, or the street. She could only see walls washed in blood and dead children littering the floor around her.

"Maybe they're just lost," Lucy said in a quiet voice. Takashi nodded solemnly, "then I hope they find their way."

The child, Minako rushed up to tug on his father's sleeve and he smiled, patting her head. "It was wonderful meeting you Lucy," Ayame said, "I wish we had more time to talk, but we need to get home to start dinner. Takashi often visits this place to pay respects to the dead and to never forget how precious life is. He's lucky to be alive."

"Luck didn't save me. Compassion did. Her being there may have been chance, but compassion is a choice." He turned to his family, "you guys get going, I just need a minute to say a few words to Lucy in private." Ayame's left eye twitched, and in spite of herself, she sized Lucy up again. Lucy lowered her head to hide the smile in her hair, and casually stepped behind a road barricade, putting it between herself and Takashi. If she only knew how her heart burned for only one man, she would have had no issues even with leaving them alone in candlelit rooms. "Don't be long," Ayame said, not quite unkindly, then kissed Takashi on the cheek and walked away with Minako. They merely watched one another in silence until the sounds of footsteps dimmed to nothing.

"They told me that killing was your species' natural instinct. That we shouldn't hesitate because you would eventually kill every living thing on earth."

He paused, considered her. Lucy tuned out the distant clamor of work vehicles starting up and occasional shouting. "I tried my hardest to kill you," he continued, "I even fired at you a few times with my pistol after you had done the sniper team in, but you couldn't hear it over the explosions, and I was so hurt that I couldn't hit you. In the end I just gave up and got my picture out. Do you know why I wanted to kill you Lucy?"

She bit down on her lower lip, "because you didn't want to die," she said in a voice that was almost a whisper. Takashi took his photograph out and looked at it, "and I didn't want them to die," he finished. He looked up, "and those men you killed, they didn't want to die, and they didn't want their families to die. They didn't want their friends to die." Guilt crawled though her, would she never escape the horror of what she was?

"I am what I am."

Takashi slowly shook his head. "I don't think you know who you are."

"_You want him to see the real you? You don't even know yourself!"_

No! She had banished the voice hadn't she? She felt a moment's fear before she realized it was just memory that she was recalling. The voice was gone, she had rendered it irrelevant.

"You're carrying the full weight of responsibility for that night," he continued, "I can see that in your eyes. I know what that pain looks like, I've been fighting long enough to know it when I see it."

"And you're looking for closure. I've been looking for it so long that I know the quest when I see it."

Takashi smiled sadly, "you're right. I said I have something to say to you and I do. That night, was not your fault."

"_But Kouta, I killed your family!"_

"It was my hands that were stained with blood. If the fault is not mine, then who could it possibly be?"

"You confuse fault with responsibility. Foolish, evil old men created you, and S.A.T, then set us upon one another. They set the stage, wrote the plot, and created the characters. All we did was play our parts. You and I, we have to live with what we've done in our lives. I've committed my share of sins during my time in S.A.T. Things I will never tell my wife or child. Responsibility lies with us, but fault lies with them."

_Kouta…is this how you feel? Is this why you wouldn't let me go? Even after all I had done?_

She was not aware of grabbing fistfuls of her dress and clenching them until she began to feel the beginnings of pain from fingernails digging into her palms through the fabric.

"I'm not human. I'm a monster."

"Biologically you're not human, but in every other way you're as human as anyone else in the world. You make decisions, you have regrets, you feel sadness, and you know laughter. I know you can feel afraid, I even know that you can love."

Her heart flared up at that last word, flashing memories of every moment spent with Kouta. Did he miss her? She wanted so badly to see him again, it had been building up in her from the first time she turned away from his door a month ago, and now it had grown into a need so great she felt like she was dying without him. Takashi must have heard her calling Kouta's name that night in a scream of desperate fury. It had been as though she needed to hear his name aloud, to remind her what she was fighting for…so she wouldn't give up.

"So I have said my piece, now I want to ask you something." Lucy waited.

"Who are you?"

_Am I Kaede? Am I Nyuu? Am I Lucy?_

_The child wanted love but she was broken by cruelty and hampered by innocence. She did not know empathy for humans, but could feel Kouta's empathy and warmth for her. I am not her, Kaede murdered the people closest to him and thought that was fair for the heartache she suffered; I feel the weight of my decisions, and no longer think about no one but myself. I want Kouta to be happy, not just myself. Even if that means dying to ease his heart._

_Nyuu wanted to give her love, every drop of it she had to give, but she did not know why. She did not even know herself. Without a past, there is no future. And without a reason to love, then love is meaningless, ornamental. I know why I love Kouta; he is the person I admire more than anyone in the world. Nyuu cannot tell him why. But I, Lucy, can tell him everything. _

_I am what I am: violent and destructive, shy and unsure, protective and jealous, foolish and impulsive._

_I…_

"_I'm the girl that saved your life. More than the one who tried to end it."_

Takashi nodded his head approvingly, "more in light than in darkness, without denying either one. That's all anyone can ask from another human being in this world. Now that I've talked to you, I can move on. I can go on knowing that the pointless bloodshed ended that night, and that I did not lie to my commander."

"But you told him I was dead."

"Don't we all die in a way when we grow as people? The former selves fading into memory as the new ones take control of our lives? I think the "Lucy" they were looking for died a month ago. I saw it…with my own eyes."

Takashi turned to walk away. "I'll see you around Lucy. I hope you find what you're looking for, but I think you know where to find it. Why else would you still be here?"

She watched him leave, going back to his life. It was time, she knew. She had wasted enough time haunting the streets of Kamakura. She gathered up her courage, put one foot in front of the other, and started her walk to Maple House.

To face Kouta.


	3. I am what I am

From the outside you wouldn't know anything had changed. The change seemingly minor; just a person who isn't there anymore. But inside the unchanging shell of Maple House, the absence was a haunting presence. Lucy could feel it because she could feel Nana. Her presence was a bright star shining but with less light than she remembered. For what little she knew about Nana, she knew that signified an awful blow to her heart. She missed her father, or the man who she called father. She even missed Nyuu. Nana did not know it, but she was one of the greatest reasons that Lucy ever found hope of overcoming what she was. Nana was not a monster, she had clung to love and even though she had suffered so much, she did not give in to the killing instincts. It made her believe that perhaps all of those people were wrong about the Diclonius. Killing wasn't something that came natural to them, the imprint of cruelty upon innocence sowed the seeds of malice. She wondered if Nana heard the Voice as well. Her hand trembled as it hovered over the door handle. Should she knock? No, not just yet, maybe she would just wander in and listen to them first. Hear how they have been getting along without her before she utterly uproots them with her presence. Her decision made, she gently slid the door open and walked into the courtyard, closing it silently behind her. She stopped when she saw Wanta, Mayu's dog, but he was sound asleep. Moving as quietly as she was able, she walked past him and towards the open front door, making sure to approach it in such a way that she would not be visible by anyone walking down the hall. The warm quiet sounds of living could be heard from the door, the tapping of spoons in pots and the sizzle of meat, light conversation from two girls in the kitchen. Nana and Mayu. With a start she realized that Nana really should be able to sense her and wondered why her presence hadn't alerted everyone in the house already. Soft sounds of glass against wood told her that a table was being set in the dining room. Then she heard his voice…

"Kouta," she whispered slowly, tears stinging her eyes. He was asking a question, but she couldn't hear the words, and heard Yuka answering him. She fought back the sting of jealousy again as always, and it was easier. Yuka deserved him more than she did. If they were together now, and it made him happy, then she could live with that. It would rip her heart into thousands of pieces but never would she hurt Yuka for it, as she had once intended to do long ago. Taking a few more steps into the house her eyes rested on the clock. Nyu had been attached to this, it was one of the only other memories she could recall as Nyuu, as she spent a lot of time with the old clock, trying fruitlessly to fix it. She was drawn to it, almost as if it were Nyuu now who's desire and will worked through her. She opened the case and knelt down, her hands reaching inside the mechanism and she started quietly working on it without really knowing what she was doing. Nyuu had apparently spent so much time with this old thing that she had actually figured it out, but merely lacked the cognitive skills to apply that knowledge to finish what she'd started.

"Thank you Nyuu," Lucy whispered as she used Nyuu's instincts to fix what was broken…it was so like her.

_But that's why I'm here. To fix something that's broken._

She finished her task, and closed the door, smiling as she watched the seconds hand tick. The din of the voices sounded like they were all in the dining room. Silently, she wandered over close to the door and leaned against the wall, out of sight. New memories coming to her, memories from Nyuu of living with people she loved and who loved her back, being happy. It was a dream, just like Kouta had been back then. She was so tired of living in dreams. She needed this to be real, and if it couldn't be, then she'd rather know it than pretend. But even still, she let the memories fill her with happiness, for however brief she could hold onto the feeling. She briefly closed her eyes and vividly saw Kouta and Yuka in her memory…Nyuu's memory, on those steps. They had been looking for her after discovering that she had escaped that foolish "teacher". She had been on the verge of telling Kouta what she had done to him all those years ago when the horror in his eyes shocked her back into being Nyuu. She'd felt forced out of the way, as though Nyuu was coming to his rescue.

"_Kouta!" _She'd cried as she leapt upon him, and her happiness was Lucy's happiness. Their personas were so close together at that moment. So much that Lucy's sadness was Nyuu's sadness.

_Hold me Kouta, please I need you so much._

"_hug…"_

"_Eh…?"_

_Please hold me, don't let me leave. _

"_Kouta…hug." _She was Nyuu, but yet still herself. Buried in the comfort of his arms, she remembered their past, and was so sorry…so very sorry she had hurt him. Nyuu cried but Lucy knew she would never understand why.

"_We'll always be together."_

_Don't let go…_

"_Kouta…"_

"That's right, this is your first time eating Somen noodles." Yuka's voice snapped Lucy out of her reverie.

"Oh yeah, I couldn't be here last time you served them," came Nana's reply. Why couldn't she sense Lucy the way she could sense Nana? But then she knew. Nyuu had been devoid of a presence to sense. She had found a way to shut it down so she could be with Kouta…so they could be with him. Now that Lucy was starting to pull the pieces of herself together, she found herself with one last gift from Nyuu: anonymity, a real chance at normalcy. The ability to shut down her Diclonius abilities at will.

"There are just so many wonderful things in this world," Nana continued, her voice straining from the effort of trying not to cry, "so many good things."

They were happy, and why shouldn't they be? Lucy was no longer a part of their lives. The pain, horror and death that came with her could no longer touch them. How could she even think to come back into their lives? Better that they thought her dead…better if she were dead. A sob threatened to escape her lips but she choked it back, an effort that was physically painful, and started to silently walk away. With her head lowered, she noticed the music box on a shelf. Stopping to run her fingers over the wood of the box, she smiled and opened it. The gentle, beautiful notes of Lilium began to ring out. She savored the notes of the song as she walked away, knowing it was the last time she would ever hear it. As she walked through the door, Wanta began to bark, likely woken by the sound of the music. The implications of the increased noise level were lost on her as she walked in a trance. She had come to say what she really wanted to say to Kouta, and to give him chance to make a real decision on her fate, but seeing them, and hearing their happiness, she felt she already had her answer.

_I'm just a coward._

The thought froze her after she shut the door to the courtyard. Was she just making excuses again? The same ones that set her wandering the streets of Kamakura for a month? Distantly, she heard the chiming of the clock's bell.

_It works, _she thought to herself with a smile. She smiled, and stepped back from the door, preparing to leave, when the door slid open suddenly. Shock gripped her and she felt paralyzed as she stared into the face that she saw in her dreams every night. She couldn't even utter his name, though she tried with all her will to speak it. Kouta stood before her, his hand still gripping the door and his face frozen in shock. She tried to read what was in his eyes. A warring storm of joy and agony. Another chime from the clock's bell sounded.

"You fixed the clock," Kouta said. The look on his face told her he wished he hadn't picked something so stupid to say to the person he had thought dead.

"I did," Lucy replied, with a shaky laugh. They stared at each other for many breaths, every word Lucy had carefully practiced simply flying out of her mind. Was this real? If she touched Kouta, would she just wake up somewhere else?

"I'm dreaming," Kouta said softly, as if reading her thoughts.

"If you are, then so am I. So don't wake up yet Kouta…I'm not ready for this to be over."

"Over?" he said, the sound of his voice nearing desperate. He wanted to see her…maybe…just maybe…

"Kouta!" a voice called from inside, Yuka. "What's going on? Is someone at the door?"

_No, don't stop this, I need time with you Kouta._

He grabbed her hand suddenly, "come on!" Shutting the door behind him he ran, beckoning Lucy to follow him. He knew, he just knew. Kouta always was polite and considerate of others, and under normal circumstances the reintroductions would have likely happened right then, stealing the exclusivity of a moment Lucy wanted for only the two of them. But he knew…maybe because he wanted it too. She allowed herself to hope, just a little.

They hadn't gone far. They stopped at a walkway leading down with a stone wall rising on one side of the walkway, grass and trees stretched out further in the other direction, and straight ahead, a clear view of the surrounding countryside, and ocean. Numerous times Kouta had needed to stop and allow her to catch up, her legs too shaky to trust, and now that they were through running, she leaned against the stone wall, afraid her legs would not support her any longer. Her head was spinning, her mind reeling. Was she dreaming? She caught her breath as she stared at him, his back was to her as he caught his own breath and she took in every detail of him. As her breathing steadied somewhat, she impulsively reached out and gently trailed her fingertips down his shoulder, to the length of his arm. He turned suddenly to face her as she did this, and she looked up from his arms to his face as she reluctantly let her fingertips leave his skin.

"Sorry…I wanted to be sure I wasn't dreaming."

"The run didn't convince you of that? I'm out of breath." She laughed a little, and so did he. The humor faded quickly as once again they were left simply staring at one another, with a loss of things to say, even though there was so much to talk about. After the silence stretched long enough, Kouta finally broke it.

"I thought you were dead."

"Do you want me to be? I'll do anything for you Kouta. Even that…maybe especially that."

"I didn't…"

"You didn't mean it that way? I know you didn't. Even though you know I deserve it." Kouta turned away.

"What's your name?" It was a tragically silly question, more tragic because he needed to ask. She had never told him. "It's not Nyuu…and I get the feeling it's not Lucy either."

"I was born Kaede. If you had asked me my name back then, that is the name I would have given you." Kouta lowered his eyes in shame.

"I never asked you your name back then. How could I be so inconsiderate?" She almost laughed mirthlessly. She killed his father and sister, and here he was ashamed of acting inconsiderate to HER. It would be funny if it weren't so miserably awful. She forced herself to keep talking, fearing she would shut down if she stopped now.

"If you would ask my name now, I'll tell you my name is Lucy."

"That name everyone kept calling you? I knew people were saying that was your name, but somehow it didn't fit right with me."

"Not as much as Nyuu fit…yes?"

"I…"

_Stop this. Say the things that matter._

"Kouta, please look at me." He did, slowly but finally meeting her eyes. She steadied herself, and allowed a few moments to simply drown in his gaze. "I'm Lucy now…I want you to call me that. It's who I've always wanted to be." Kouta nodded.

"I am more sorry that you will ever know that I did the things I did to your family, and I accept that you can never forgive me. I wish I could have been born to something other than pain. Maybe things could have been different…but…" she took a deep breath.

"I am what I am Kouta. But I am not what I was. You told me you loved the little girl…Kaede, and that you loved Nyuu." Kouta was silent, his face unreadable beyond scattered emotions, playing violently behind his eyes.

"I need you to see me…all of me…for who and what I am."

"You want to know if I understand you're not Nyuu."

"Do you?"

"Of course I do! You're completely different people."

"We're the same person Kouta, she was a dream living in my body."

"I know that, I didn't mean…" Kouta ran his hands through his hair, struggling for the words. She remained silent to let him find those words. She knew how it felt not being able to find the right words. When he started to seem desperate, she took a step forward, hoping to comfort him and calm his nerves. He recoiled one step, the perceived rejection stabbing her heart. She almost stepped away from him.

_No…face me Kouta. _That wasn't right. She shouldn't just think the words in her heart and not say them.

"Kouta," she took another step towards him, rested her hand on his shoulder, "don't run from me, please."

She waited, her hand resting on Kouta's shoulder, absentmindedly trailing her hand down his body until her palm rested upon his chest. He seemed not to notice.

"You were what was missing," he finally said to her, "I know those eyes, I've seen them in Nyuu. From time to time, it was like someone else was looking back at me through those eyes. It always made me feel like…I had always known you, even when I couldn't remember you."

He had known! He had seen her! Even if he did not know quite what it was, he had still seen through to the real her.

"I couldn't explain…why I was falling in love…"

_With me? Please tell me._

"Didn't make sense, you were so childlike, even when you…" he suddenly could not meet her eyes.

"I'm sor…"

"Don't you dare apologize Kouta! Don't you dare tell me it was a mistake! I wanted you to touch me. Me. Lucy. It wasn't just Nyuu who wanted you." He met her eyes again, and opened his mouth, presumably to apologize for seemingly upsetting her, but wisely ate the words.

"Keep talking Kouta…please." He nodded, and visibly worked up the nerve to finish his thought.

"It was you I was seeing when it would happen, when we embraced. Anytime I was close to you. I was…" Lucy's breathing caught, she dared not exhale.

"I was falling in love with you…" Tears welled up in her eyes and spilled over.

"You think I just loved pieces of you," he continued, "and I think that night I said those things to you, I was having a lot of trouble making it all work in my mind…how could I love you…" his teeth clenched and his eyes closed.

"And want you to fucking die." He couldn't have wounded her more if he had physically ripped her heart out.

"Kouta!" Lucy sobbed. "Kouta I'm so sor…"

"Don't you do it Lucy! Don't you fucking say it again!"

"But I…" Kouta's eyes opened, and they were full of tears. He grabbed fistfuls of her dress and shook her.

_Hurt me Kouta, do whatever you have to do. I won't fight you. I deserve it._

"You think I don't know how sorry you are? You think I don't know exactly who and what you are right now? Standing before me? You think I don't know why you're really here! YOU WANT ME TO KILL YOU!"

"Oh Kouta," she cried in racking sobs, "I'll die for you if that's what it takes, just say it. I'll walk into the sea and drown, I'll let you tear me apart if you want to!"

"You brought me here because you wanted me to understand you. But it's you who doesn't understand anything. All this time and you still think violence is the answer."

"I am violence Kouta. But I am not cruelty…not anymore. You changed everything for me. But I can't take back what I have done." Kouta yanked his hands from Lucy and furiously clawed them through his hair, then locked his gaze upon her again, suddenly taking her face in his hands. She took a quick, shuddering gasp and fell silent, wide stricken eyes staring back into Kouta's.

"When I remembered…everything. I hated you. This past month, when I thought you were dead, I felt nothing but sadness. It ripped at my heart, I haven't been able to get out of bed, or sleep at night. I thought I hated you, but how could that be true when all I have wanted every minute of every day, was to have you back?"

"Kouta," she whispered, her breath shuddering as the last syllable left her lips.

"I…don't blame you for Kanae…"

_What?_

"Or my father."

"Kouta, you don't know what you're saying."

"Just listen to me Lucy," this was madness, he was delirious with grief. All her fault…all her fault…

"The ones I hate, are the ones who hurt you."

Flashes of images. Rage and blood. Vengeance, dark satisfaction.

"I have no excuse Kouta."

"You were a child Lucy. For all the anger you felt, and the death you caused, you were still just a child. You thought I betrayed you. And why shouldn't you think that? It was all you knew." Kouta let his hands slip down her face and brush her neck. Her legs suddenly were having trouble supporting her and she reached up with one hand to clutch Kouta's arm.

"I understand that the pain of that terrible night wasn't just mine to bear. It's taken me a long time, but I know now, that it destroyed you too." He gripped her shoulders, and felt pressure on his fingertips. She responded by stepping closer to him.

"So I don't want to hear how sorry you are Lucy. I already know your regrets are killing you. You bear the responsibility, but I won't let you take the blame. Because I do see you Lucy. And I know you're not a monster. If I thought you would have done the same things if you had the chance to go back, then I would tell you to walk into the ocean."

She felt ashamed. She had underestimated him. His forgiveness was beyond believing, seemingly impossible. But she realized this was why she loved him. Only Kouta could have had the capacity to forgive such a terrible thing. It was not that he abhorred violence so much that he would forgive any slight, or outrage. Evil had picked her character and written her plot, and a lonely, dangerous, ten year old girl had played her part. He cared about her despite everything. He was trying to rescue her, comfort her, as he did all those years ago. As he did when she was Nyuu. He had no reason to do this…no reason…

"Lucy, look at me." She had been staring at the ground, not meeting his gaze. She did so now, the sight of him made her heart ache. She wanted him to hold her, she wished she had the courage to ask.

"Lucy, I love you…"

Years she had waited. Hundreds she had fought against, agonies she had suffered, anguish she had lived. Those four words made every moment worth it a thousand times and more.

"I wanted to tell you," she said, pausing between words to steady her voice to keep from sobbing uncontrollably. She had to finish it before she gave in, she had to say the words she came to say.

"I have always loved you Kouta. You're the memory that kept me alive, you're the reason I fought for my freedom. I'd walk through hell for you Kouta…oh god I love you so much…need you like air to breathe," she was shaking uncontrollably.

"Kouta, please hold me." He gathered her in his arms and she let go and wept. She had no idea how any of this was going to work, or if it even could. For all she knew, it would all fall apart and she would have to leave again, but she trusted Kouta. Everything she was, belonged to him.

_I know my purpose. I know what I would fight for, kill for…and die for._

"Kouta…I am what I am. Know that I will do anything for you, I will go to any lengths for you, and I will destroy anyone or anything that would hurt you or take you from me. I will not deceive you or hide the dark pieces of myself from you. Nyuu did that for you, but she couldn't love you like I do. And if you mean it, you'll take all of me, or let me go now, because I can't bear it if you love something that I'm not."

"You already know how I feel Lucy. I'm not looking back."

Pasts filled with pain, and a present fraught with struggle. A struggle to live, to find forgiveness and atonement, and most of all, to forgive themselves for all they had done, or failed to do. Lucy kissed Kouta's neck and buried her face in his shoulder.

_But the future…maybe we can finally know happiness. I have a chance now. A real one, free from illusions and lies. _

The sky had been darkening for some time, now the sun slipped beneath the horizon and the first stars appeared in the sky.

"We should go back Lucy, it's going to be a long night."

"We're still dreaming aren't we?"

Kouta laughed a little. She loved the sound. One day, she would be good enough to bring laughter back into his life. After all, when you lived your life so long in the dark, sometimes you had to believe in miracles. Kouta had forgiven her, even though he said he never could, a miracle beyond miracles. He would never forget, she knew. She also knew it would take a very long time before he would ever stop thinking of her as his family's murderer, and she knew very well it was possible that he might not. But this was worth fighting for.

"I guess we are," he replied, his hands gently caressing her back, and his lips mere breaths from her own. She turned her head and brushed her lips against his, letting the feather light touch send shivers down her body until he gave into the temptation to kiss her, the way he had that night. But this felt different, filled with more love than grief. Kouta was right, there was going to be a long night, and a very difficult time ahead. But she had him here and now, his touch whispering over her hips, her body held tightly against his own and she wanted…

"Well I'm not ready to wake up."

"Lucy?"

"Stay with me…just a little longer."

Full dark had come, the night air whispering it's song among the trees where Kouta and Lucy hid from the world, the song of Lilium playing in Lucy's mind as they made love. With each moment of ecstasy that passed between them, she thought of a hundred ways to tell him what he meant to her, and what this moment meant to her. But the only thing that ever came out was his name, whispered over and over. It said everything. Their lovemaking had lasted for a long time, but it felt too brief for Lucy. There would always be next time, she thought to herself with a smile. Standing with Kouta at the Maple House's front door, she was surprised she did not feel more uneasy. But considering how emotionally, and physically drained she was, she supposed it was to be expected. And now she was about to walk cheerfully into another emotional hurricane. She sighed.

"You don't have to do this tonight Lucy."

"You're just as tired as I am, and you have to take your lumps for running out on everyone without saying anything. If I'm going to stand by you, I will either do it now, or not at all."

Kouta smiled at her and took her hand. She smiled back, and triggered her vectors to silently open the courtyard door. About now, Nana would be dropping something expensive and breakable on the floor, and generally freaking out. She felt she owed it to them to offer at least some warning, however insufficient. Sure enough, they had barely made it to the front door when it flew open to reveal three girls, in various states of physical disarray, with different states of shock on their faces. Mayu's was mixed with joy, Nana's with disbelief and hope, and Yuka's….they would have to deal with that one somehow, but at least she read joy as well so maybe there was hope after all.

"Nyuu?" Yuka said, "is that really you?"

Lucy smiled and took a deep breath. "No," she scolded herself. She should really learn to remove the icy chill from her voice. She didn't talk to Kouta like that.

"Huh?"

"My name is Lucy."

"What happened to Nyuu?" Nana asked, instantly understanding, as only a Diclonius could. Lucy turned to gaze pointedly at the working clock. Nana did not ask a second time.

"Come on everyone," Kouta said, "there's a lot we have to talk about." As he turned to walk inside, Yuka stepped forward towards Lucy and he froze. Lucy merely waited but Yuka smiled, "welcome home." At that the mood relaxed. A mention of dinner was made and they all turned to head inside. As Yuka turned to leave, Lucy reached out and touched her arm.

"Yuka…"

"Kouta's right, there's a lot to talk about and I've got a lot I want to say to you. But not tonight. You look exhausted and like you've been crying all night…I know a little of what that's like…"

Lucy opened her mouth to say more but Yuka held up her hand.

"I mean it Ny…," she cleared her throat, "Lucy. Welcome home." She turned and walked inside, with Lucy following up to the threshold where she paused. She had passed through these doors with acceptance as another person, and once as an intruder. But she, Lucy, was being allowed this sanctuary, where lonely, forgotten, abused, and tortured souls found their way back to the light. All she had to do, was walk towards it.

"Lucy?"

_I am what I am_

"I'm coming."

_A girl who lived through hell._

_Stained by evil._

_Forged by hate._

She took one step, another…and another….

_A girl who found heaven in the eyes of a kind stranger._

_Unworthy of paradise, but given the chance to have it._

_Stronger than my pain._

_Stronger than my fear. _

_Strong enough to find my purpose in a world that said I had none._

_Kouta…my love…I'll make you proud of me. Just wait and see._

Lucy stepped across the threshold and closed the door behind her, and walked towards the soft light of the dining room…

…To Kouta.


End file.
